“One of the most eye-opening parenting articles I have ever read, and sort of making me feel like garbage.”
The tweet and accompanying link caught my eye, so I read the linked article, titled, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior,” by Amy Chua, on the Wall Street Journal’s online site. Here’s a sample:
A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
- attend a sleepover
- have a playdate
- be in a school play
- complain about not being in a school play
- watch TV or play computer games
- choose their own extracurricular activities
- get any grade less than an A
- not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
- play any instrument other than the piano or violin
- not play the piano or violin.
Erin Patrice O'Brien for The Wall Street Journal via online.wsj.com
It’s worth it to read the entire piece (go ahead, I’ll wait!) but her basic argument is that Chinese mothers (who do not have to be Chinese — it’s the attitude that counts) raise kids who are more successful than Western mothers do because they demand success in academia and music and will use tactics unthinkable to Western parents (threatening, yelling, shaming) to guarantee the desired results. There is no other option but success. She says that this does not harm the child and that Western parents are too concerned with their children liking them.
Reading it made me feel like a skewered insect, desperately waggling my feelers while being pinned to a styrofoam board. Why? Because I’m afraid she’s right.
You can argue with the tactics, but you can’t argue with facts, and I’ll admit I’ve wondered why The Smart Asian Kid is not so much of a stereotype as a fact of life, especially when you live in Southern California.
Chua claims Western moms are too soft. “ ... even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers,” she writes. “For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.”
I remember an interview with Branford Marsalis, who is definitely not Chinese, but whose parents forced him to practice in the basement for hours on end instead of seeing his friends. He hated it at the time, but now he’s Branford friggin’ Marsalis!
Chua says Western moms are too concerned with their kids’ psyches, that they have an assumption of frailty, whereas Chinese moms assume their kids are strong and will rise above their draconian methods to succeed with no emotional damage. She says Chinese moms are willing to sacrifice more and that Western moms are content to let their kids be “losers.”
She calls herself a Tiger Mother, and there’s nothing like calling my parenting into question to make me react like a cavewoman facing a Saber Tooth. I feel angry and defensive, but I’m not willing to go to her lengths to ensure my daughter’s success. I’m also not convinced that such measures don’t come without an emotional cost.
The Artist’s Way material I’m working through now address the very fruits of this type of upbringing where a child is not allowed to experiment and experience the missteps and mistakes that come with any creative endeavor. If we had insisted our daughter continue with piano, which we let her quit after five years when she seemed to so thoroughly hate it, would she ever have picked up guitar?
Tiger Mom would likely scoff, but there is one important lesson she’s not teaching, and that is how to fail. How to fail thoroughly and completely and have it not destroy you because your identity is determined not by what you do but by who you are. Failing gracefully and starting over, as many times as it takes — that is my definition of success.
If she picked up the guitar, Tiger Mom would not approve. Piano and violin only.
Seriously, I do agree that Western parenting tends toward the slacker variety. But as I said on my blog at MommaSaid, this "Chinese style" of parenting kills creativity, and creativity breeds innovation. Which do you think will get us out of the recession?
Nice post. Thanks!
Posted by: Jen Singer | January 13, 2011 at 05:26 AM
I read this article too, and it made me sick. Yes, there are a lot of parents that coddle their children, and I don't think that's right, but I also think kids are kids. They should be allowed to play, create and enjoy life as kids. My husband spent some time teaching English in Korea, and those kids went to school, then went to hours and hours of classes after school to perfect skills in math, English, music, whatever. I have heard (though I don't have statistics to back this up) that the suicide rate is higher in Asian cultures, and I'm sure the insurmountable stress and pressure has something to do with that.
Posted by: JoAnna | January 13, 2011 at 07:18 AM
>Failing gracefully and starting over, as many times as it takes — that is my definition of success.
I suspect that, once they get their lives going, the children of Tiger Moms do this about as often as the rest of us do.
Posted by: John White | January 13, 2011 at 10:53 AM
I keep thinking of Daniel Pink's book, "Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the World," about the importance of creativity in the form of design, play, story and empathy in the global 21st-century economy, so I think you hit the nail on the head. But one thing that still rings true for me in her piece is the assumption of emotional frailty by Western parents. If there is a strong underlying emphasis on love and respect, I think American parents could stand to be a little more demanding and a little less willing to let our kids off the hook too early. Thanks so much for contributing your comments - I love it when that happens :-)
Posted by: Louise | January 13, 2011 at 03:10 PM
I don't have anything other than hearsay to go on myself so haven't waded into those waters, but I would love to hear from adult children of parents who raised them this way and get their perspective. There's a balance between letting kids do whatever they want and not letting them do anything they want. Thanks so much for your comments.
Posted by: Louise | January 13, 2011 at 03:12 PM
Yes, you are probably right. It would be interesting to see what happens in some of these children's later lives. Thanks for commenting
Posted by: Louise | January 13, 2011 at 03:14 PM
Tiger Mom points are valid, Western moms are too soft, we don't discipline enough and well, etc. But there are a couple of comments that scare me like there is no emotional fall out and she's not interested in being her daughters' friend. You're going to tell me that when her daughters look around and see their peers going to sleepovers, being in plays, and having play dates, their aren't going to feel resentment? Pahleez. I understand her thought processes but she has to understand the context in which she's making these demands. Look around, my Tiger friend, this isn't China or Asia where you're surrounded by kids and parents living in the same way.
I am my daughters' mom first and foremost, but I'm also their friend and I think because of these two things I've raised successful women. And when they fail, they know they have a shoulder to cry on, and then I tell them, "Pick yourself up and try again." I'm not saying don't raise the bar on parenting. But I am saying, "Lighten up, Frances."
Posted by: Michelle Zive | January 14, 2011 at 08:14 AM
I agree that it would seem to make very resentful children to not have them participate in *any* of the things like playdates, sleepovers, etc. We have an only child, and I think those things are tremendously important in helping her get more exposure to learning how to get along with other people. And it's a fine line between being a mother and a friend. If you are the bad sort of mother/friend who lets your kids do anything they want so they will like you, that's not friendship, that's being taken advantage of. But you're right, a good mother/friend will teach her daughters the lessons she needs without building up resentment. Thanks so much for chiming in - I love it when we get some good discussion going!
Posted by: Louise | January 14, 2011 at 02:59 PM
As I said in my post, balance is a good place to start. Not too strict, but stric enough so the kids know their place, responsibilities, manners, etc. I'm glad Mrs. Chua shared her over-the-top account of raising children -- it made us all re-evaluate our own methods, and this can only be a good thing.
Posted by: Suzette | January 22, 2011 at 11:12 PM
Thanks for the comment, Suzette (or should I call you Mamarazzi?) I saw a link today to a fairly extensive review of the book that said that overall it was quite different than the article in the WSJ in tone, that the methods had worked with one of her children but not so well with the other. I am not going to read the book myself - way too many others have priority in my list, but it is making me wonder if they chose the most controversial part to excerpt in the article just to drum up controversy and ultimately publicity for the WSJ and also the book. A bit cynical, but I agree it has gotten everybody talking, so ultimately that can't be a bad thing.
Posted by: Louise | January 23, 2011 at 09:39 PM